Dr. Damages

The Evil Peck of Olusegun Obasanjo, GCFR In one of his moments of exaggerated sense of importance, the former Nigeria’s military president, Gen. Ibrahim Badamosi Babangida, IBB, called himself the evil genius. If ever he was, it did not last long. The real evil genius of Nigeria is former President Olusegun Obasanjo. Just look at what he accomplished this week. He launched his book, two days ahead of schedule, despite a court order that asked him not to. In doing so, he knocked his former Vice President, Abubakar Atiku, out of contention in the opposition All Progressive Congress(APC) presidential primary. With that single stroke, he also diminished Nigeria’s President Goodluck Jonathan- diminished so much that his own presidential primary and acceptance speech looked like a funeral. And most of all, Obasanjo gave his erstwhile Minister of Education/Solid Minerals, Oby Ezekwesili a peck on the cheek at his book launch. With that single move, Obasanjo set th...

Prof. Ali Mazrui (February 24, 1933 – October 12, 2014) You reached your destination- A thousand miles beyond the boundary. I was a witness. Now, you’ve set forth On a trip across the sacred cloud. Kwaheri, Mazrui arap Mombasa. Sorry, I couldn’t deliver "The Trial of Ali Mazrui" Before the bracket closed. But you can be sure It has set sail Far beyond the bondage Of our triple heritage.

1. How I made my money, fathered 30 children- Atiku. I know what Atiku wants from this headline. He wants us to say that if he could find the time to make these children and make those tones of money all at the same time, that maybe he can joggle Nigeria’s needs. Foul! That doesn’t impress me much. My grandfather had 300 children. 2. I will crush Boko Haram —Jonathan. See, with Shekau dead, someone is running his mouth. Where was this Jonathan when Shekau was alive? Ooops! I probably spoke too early. 3. I’ll not do anything to tarnish the image of Jesus Christ, says Ayo Oritsejafor on the $9.3 m scandal. If you’re serious about that, then start by taking off those window curtains that you wear as pastor’s robe. 4. Tinubu calls for “a common sense” revolution. I agree. The revolution will start as soon as Tinubu returns his fake Chicago University degree. 5. Again, Obasanjo goes back to school for a PhD. Who’ll blame him? Other than Diezani Allison Madueke, a PhD is the only thing ...

Even Chernobyl looks livelier No, nobody dropped a nuclear bomb here Just waste, waste of a generation- Begotten by a ravaged generation. Not even in Biafra With bombs dropping from the sky like rain Did these once proud people Crawl on their stomachs to lick their shit Oh, it’s their shit. Not anyone’s else shit. It’s their shit Not even T.A. Orji’s depraved shit. Did you notice that the vultures wouldn’t visit? Too dirty for those merchants of death Yet, they raise our children here They toast our girls here They guide bitterleaf soup into their mouths, Right in front of this filth mountain Dirt is your name, Aba Dirt is all who call here their abode. You may wear white from head to toe, Immaculate and conspicuous To worship at the church of the Holy Ghost But I tell you, my brother I tell you, my sister. Your soul is as dirty as the walls of the anus. Your government must have failed, But so did your hands And your brains And those little thing...

I’m well now, back soon -IBB. Please come back. We need you to be able to illustrate the difference between small stealing and corruption.

"African educational systems have surprising outcomes. The smartest students pass with First Class and get admissions to Medical and Engineering schools. The 2nd Class students get MBAs and LLBs to manage the First Class students. The 3rd Class students enter Politics and rule both the 1st and 2nd Class students. The Failures enter the Underworld of crime and control the politicians and the businesses. And, best of all, those who did not attend school become Prophets and everyone follows them...." -Bishop Mathew Kukah quoting Anonymous at Wole Soyinka’s 80th birthday celebration.

Linda and her Dee: A Postmortem by Dr. Njakiri Damages. (An article written for twitter alone.) All civil wars are simply about personality conflicts and the breakdown of communication - case in point, Linda Ikeji and Mr.Mukhtar Alexander Dan’Iyan (aka Aye Dee.) For those of you who have not read any novel since Pacesetters, you will love this tale out of blogosphere. Not since Pacesetters have I read anything this fascinating. Forget Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I’m looking forward to the next installment of Linda Ikeji’s exchange with her boyfriend. I can’t write. I can’t blog. I used to think that I can love. But Linda and her Dee have shown me that I can’t love either. Why are some lovers so lucky? To traumatize a nation with their quarrels? The last time I quarreled with my girlfriend, other than the first slap that landed on my face, my neighbors did not hear any fim. The end.

The Witches of Oshodi By Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo Bird falls off the sky Lands on land Turns into a woman… Mere urban Legend Until camera phone came to Oshodi. Bill Gates scratches his head, Mark Zuckerberg pulls out a calculator. Oshodi crowd gathers “Lynch the woman, Lynch the witch,” they scream. Meanwhile, the world pays $ billions To watch Spiderman, High on special effects, Do the same on a movie screen. Oshodi, don’t just get a life Find her a Hollywood agent. Years of looking at High Tension wires In Old York City and New York City Never seen Spiderman hanging. Oshodi, just listen to me, for once. Go get the woman an agent, would you?